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President Russell M. Nelson taught in General Conference last month: " Charity and virtue open the way to having confidence before God! Brothers and sisters, we can do this! Our confidence can truly wax strong in the presence of God, right now! " ( https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ftsoy/2025/05/03-nelson?lang=eng ) President Nelson wasn't talking about the confidence of the world - the participation trophy mentality of Stuart Smalley that's mostly hopeful bravado. ( https://youtu.be/_S9TC_O89J0?si=_dxrOEiDtwJ7qzDK ) Nor was he talking about living largely without that confidence, hoping we were maybe good enough to have the confidence to stand before God at the end of our lives. He didn't mean that we should live out life without knowing - knowing - that we can "come boldly unto the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). Right. This. Minute. President Nelson is trying to teach that we can have that confidence every single day - in all the splendid messes of our lives - as impure and unrefined as you can get in a fallen world... IF... IF... we've taken on the project of pairing our unrefined imperfection with the refined perfection of the Lamb without blemish - entering a covenant relationship with the Son who earned the inheritance for all of us by his infinite atoning sacrifice. IF... we've taken on the project of developing virtue and charity and made them our daily walk. President Nelson got his text from D&C 121:45-46: “ Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence  wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion, and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever.” I've come to see virtue and charity as shorthand - two pinnacle qualities which describe honoring the First and Second Great Commandments – to love God first, and our neighbor as ourselves. Every discussion about what virtue is inevitably includes using synonyms such as strength and power. I've come to wonder if virtue isn't speaking of self-mastery. Wouldn't power or strength over yourself be the ultimate mortal power or strength there is? All it takes to answer that would be considering those completely lacking in self-mastery. Devoid of virtue, these are easily the weakest humans there are. I can't think of a better way to live the First Commandment - to honor and worship God - and to practice becoming like God - than to practice self-mastery. Because He is exalted perfection, Father practices perfect, exalted self-mastery, as does His perfect, exalted Son, Jesus Christ. If Father and His Son wish to give us the kind of life They have, it seems that would entail practicing self-mastery. Even imperfectly. Entering a covenant relationship means we lean into Their perfection, borrowing Their perfection as we practice imperfectly, enabling Them to give us power in the practice. Power to change. For me, on any given day, imperfection looks like staying up too late, being cross with stupid drivers - which I never am - eating a second cookie... or seventh... jumping to conclusions about another person's motives or behavior, scrolling longer than is needful, feeling discouraged that I pray for the same help with the same problems So. Many. Times... You get the idea. While the destroyer tries to convince me I'm the only one so remedial, I strongly suspect I'm not alone. In Abraham, the Lord describes preparing His children for earth life: "And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers ; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast chosen before thou wast born." (Abraham 3:23) I always read that scripture and assumed it was talking about the great ones of the earth. As in - Not Me. Until I had a gifted, inspired gospel teacher - Brother David Christensen - testify to the youth of our stake that Christ was describing us . Jesus Christ chooses those who take on the mortal project of entering a covenant relationship with Him to refine themselves - aligning their wills to the will of God - making a lifestyle of practicing higher and holier ways - relying on the perfection of their covenant partners. This lifestyle is the antithesis of those who follow the philosophies of the world; Babylon seeks the path of least resistance and makes it the chief mission of life to avoid anything unpleasant, uncomfortable, or difficult. Those who choose the lifestyle of climbing will become the rulers Christ speaks of in Abraham. Virtue – or the strength and power of self-mastery – is the strength and power to rule and reign over yourself - without any outward compulsory force causing you to do it. Over a lifetime of practice, those who practice self-mastery make choices based on unchanging eternal law, and not on fickle, temporal - temporary - emotion. How they feel at any particular moment is irrelevant to the choice. Because of the great love they have for Father and Jesus Christ, and because of the inner strength and power they’re developing, those who practice self-mastery are honoring the First Commandment as the ultimate way to worship God. Because that’s who HE is – that’s the way HE lives - and that's the way THEY strive to live. That's virtue. And it all sounds like an impossibly high way to live for a girl who sat down to write still in her exercise clothes. But hey! I exercised! I committed today to more practice. More glorious, soul-stretching, messy, chaotic practice. Considering doctrine which promises the power of rocket thrusters beneath our own pathetic power of tiddly winks can exhaust an ordinary mortal. Can Jesus Christ really make more of this "unholy mess of a girl" - to quote Katherine Hepburn in Philadelphia Story? He really, really can. He really, really doesn't care what you're capable of - or incapable of - right this minute. He really, really doesn't care how much you're starting with, or how much you end up with. He really, really doesn't care where you've been, or what you've done. NONE of that qualifies or disqualifies you. He only cares what you do next. He will never stop inviting - not even at the end of the day (see Matthew 20 - or https://www.laureensimper.com/post/prison-of-choices-and-on-coming-late ). " Come . Come partner with me. Let me help you. Let me walk with you. Let me teach you. "Let me make you holy." Ultimately - wouldn't you say that's it's holiness we're talking about? Covenant relationships, taken seriously, produce virtuous people - which eventually produce holy people. God is holy. The Pearl of Great Price refers to the name of God as "Man of Holiness" (Moses 6:57). To honor the First Commandment is to spend your life trying to grow up to be like Dad. Which is impossible without the rocket thruster help of the only One who has been virtuous every single minute of His existence, and who suffered unspeakably to give you the chance to grow into it with His help. When Jesus Christ comes to rule and reign over the earth, He will not rule and reign over serfs with no will of their own. He will not rule and reign over grumbling, reluctant servants. Jesus Christ will rule and reign over imperfect, virtuous apprentices, who have learned - through their own experiences - to love their God most by practicing higher and holier living. He will rule and reign over future kings and queens, priests and priestesses - who have learned the joy of ruling and reigning over themselves.

[Originally published November 7, 2015] I had the wonderful experience to speak to a young single adult stake of women this morning. A dear friend is the new stake Relief Society president, and invited me when their original speaker couldn't come. I rarely write my talks out, but felt strongly impressed to do so this time. The topic was on developing spiritual confidence... On its surface, the topic of spiritual confidence has some contradictions that must be addressed. Much has been spoken to your generation in particular about developing confidence. The world has actually structured the way childhood should be conducted around the notion that this is the all-encompassing objective of raising a child. At best, this has produced dubious results, and at worst, disastrous results. I can tell you that I've learned from my own experience that the world's definition and approach to confidence is Satan's counterfeit for the real thing - the confidence that waxes strong as you stand in the presence of God. Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are called the Creator, and Satan is called the destroyer. As the destroyer, he can create...nothing. He can only copy and imitate. The best gifts and guides that Father has for His children are imitated by Satan in an effort to distract us, deceive us, get us to digress from our path back home, and ultimately destroy us. VOCABULARY LESSON! You've all heard the term 'anti-Christ' used to describe a person or belief that is against the teachings and mission of Jesus Christ, but the prefix 'anti' has a second, lesser known meaning. 'Anti' also means 'like' - so something 'anti' is something very like something else. That finally made the name 'anti-Nephi-Lehi' so much clearer to me! The converted Lamanites wanted to IMITATE the righteousness of their forefathers when they took the name of 'anti-Nephi-Lehi'. Thus, the term 'anti-Christ' uses both meanings of anti: an anti-Christ doesn't just fight the Christ, he IMITATES the Christ. In October 2010, Elder M. Russell Ballard taught something very important about Satan's counterfeits when he talked about fishing lures used in fly fishing. To be effective and catch the fish - they had to look like the real thing. The world's counterfeit of confidence, versus the real confidence that your Heavenly Father wants you to feel, are worlds apart. And because we live in a temporal - temporary - world and are surrounded by temporal - temporary - things, it's the most natural thing in the world to become confused or deceived if we don't know the Lord's doctrine. Elder Jorg Klebingat of the Seventy gave a beautiful talk in April this year about approaching the throne of God with confidence. I recommend it for the 'how's' of developing confidence. Principles like taking responsibility for our own spiritual and physical well being, and making the commitment to intentionally practice repenting, forgiving, and obeying, are timely, timeless, and priceless. But I want to spend our time this morning talking about the 'why's. Elder Bednar has consistently taught that the doctrines of the gospel are the 'why's', and the principles and commandments are the 'what's' and 'how's'. The commandments are how we obey God, but the doctrine is why. One of the most life-changing doctrines President Boyd K. Packer has taught me was that true doctrine, understood, changes behavior - that the study of doctrine changes behavior quicker than the study of behavior changes behavior. I want to talk to you today about why we want to develop spiritual confidence. Stephen R. Covey once said that it's easier to say 'no' - to things that don't matter, for example - or especially to something that is wrong, or even evil - when there is a greater 'yes' burning inside of you. It's my belief that knowing the doctrines - the why - of the gospel makes it easier for us to not only be obedient, but to be more willingly, joyfully obedient. It's in learning the why's of the gospel that we're able to write God law's on the fleshy tables of our hearts. (2 Corinthians 3:3). So let's start where all the great missionaries in the Book of Mormon do - with what Elder Bruce R. McConkie called the three great pillars of eternity: the Creation, the Fall, and the Atonement. These are the doctrines that will best prepare us to make and keep sacred covenants in the temple, and enrich our temple worship afterwards. Understanding the Creation and the Fall are essential to better understanding the Atonement - most particularly - our individual need for it to help us enter into the presence of the Father after getting dirty in this mortal, temporal - temporary - world. Abraham 4:18 teaches something powerful about the Creation - it says that the Gods watched over the things they had created - the planets, the sun, moon & stars, the water, etc. - they watched over these things until they obeyed. This is a beautiful illustration of nurturing. God the Father and Jesus Christ watched over the earth until it knew how to stay in its orbit! They watched over the seas until they got the whole tide thing down. They watched over the trees until they knew their job to create new leaves in the spring, and shed the leaves and go dormant in the fall and winter. They taught all their creations to obey. Now, the teaching of their children - with free will - was different. They had been teaching us to be obedient for a very long time, but they prepared this beautiful earth for us as a testing ground to see if we would choose to obey in conditions of both light and darkness - both good and evil. When confronted with the eternal laws of God and Satan's counterfeits that only satisfy in the immediate now, which would we choose ? Abraham describes what this test would be like, from the vantage point of the pre-earth life: "Now the Lord had shown unto me, Abraham, the intelligences that were organized before the world was; and among all these there were many of the noble and great ones; "And God saw these souls that they were good, and he stood in the midst of them, and he said: These I will make my rulers; for he stood among those that were spirits, and he saw that they were good; and he said unto me: Abraham, thou art one of them; thou wast chosen before thou wast born." (Abraham 3:22-23) Institute teacher David Christensen testified to the youth of our stake several years ago that we were all these noble and great ones, and get this: he taught that the thing we were to rule was ourselves . God gave each of us our own little kingdom - consisting of intelligence and a spirit that had been begotten and carefully raised and nurtured by Him over eternity! - and with a body, heart, and mind made of what Elder Ballard's grandfather, Melvin J. Ballard, once called "unredeemed earth". The first part of our test in this life was to learn to rule - ourselves. This has staggering implications about the importance of agency. It has implicit ramifications of the importance of liberty, an essential condition every man needs to learn to govern himself, as Joseph Smith said, and not be compelled by any other man. And so it also suggests the importance of not exercising unrighteous dominion over anyone else that will inhibit the highest use of his agency. As I've continued to ponder this idea of ruling over ourselves, another great truth has been revealed. It would seem that this desire to rule over, have dominion, or control - is actually godlike. It only makes sense that our Eternal Father would endow His children, through spiritual genetics, with this quality He possesses. It makes sense to me that we come from our heavenly home with the desire to order things, to be in charge of something, so we can do this important work of learning to be in charge of ourselves! And it's here where the destroyer and imitator can pervert and confuse. In a fallen world, if we're not careful, instead of doing the work of the day, which is to master and govern ourselves, we will turn our attentions to others, and meddle in their work. The purpose of this life is to learn to obey God - to follow His eternal, fixed, and unchanging law. You cannot do this for someone else. Everyone has to do it for himself. We violate others' agency when we try to force, intimidate, bully, browbeat, or even more subtly manipulate, or put on a guilt trip. Any aggression or subtlety we use to wangle our will upon the will of another child of God is unrighteous dominion. We don't have to look very far or think very long to know how Father values individual agency - He honors agency at all cost s ! Look at the price He paid to provide it - the life of His perfectly obedient Son! We can help Him in honoring each other's agency by working to provide the optimum conditions for others to learn to obey themselves. This is the condition we all lived in while we lived in Father's presence for the eternities before we came to this earth. It is the one quality we are told throughout the scriptures will qualify us to live in His presence after this life, and is the second important thing we are here to learn. Mormon describes it in Moroni chapter 7: "But charity if the pure love of Christ, and it endureth forever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true followers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be purified even as he is pure...." Moroni 7:47-48) So. Our mission on this earth isn't just to gain a body - it's to tame that body! We are here to rule and reign over the tiniest of kingdoms, to see if we can be trusted with anything greater. And since God forces none of His children, our corresponding mission is to learn to have influence upon our brothers and sisters with the only thing that our Father uses to influence us - love. Now that is not to say that we aren't influenced by other forces in this universe. Our Father is a natural consequence Dad. In the Declaration of Independence, Thomas Jefferson calls God the Creator in one place, and in another, he refers to the laws of nature, and of nature's God. We are absolutely influenced when we brush up against the natural, immutable laws of the universe, be they gravity, entropy, or chastity. But when we are battered and bruised by our encounters - whether they're a result of our own disobedience to natural law or inevitable fallout from living in a fallen world - I have come to learn from my own experience that the only influence God will use to teach you about your unwise encounters with natural law is His mighty, all-encompassing love. He is the ultimate Father of the natural consequence, and waits - arms open - to receive you, comfort you, nurture you, and teach you a better way - as soon as you're ready. Elder Neal A. Maxwell said: "It is important to understand that obedience is not simply a requirement of a capricious god who wants us to jump hurdles for him for the entertainment of the Royal Court. It is really the pleading of a loving Father to you and me to discover, as quickly as we can, what we will discover eventually , that there are key concepts and principles that make for happy survival in a planned but otherwise cold universe. Faith and obedience compensate for the shortfall that is true of each of us in terms of our limited experience and limited knowledge. We simply have to rely on these other things to carry us forward at times because our experience and our knowledge fall short. And that pleading from a loving Father, and His prophets here, is to spare us the kind of pain that we will feel if we will not listen." Now, at this point, you may be wondering what any of this has to do with developing spiritual confidence! Here it is. I found a little sleeper scriptural gem the other day - you know, one of those that pops out and you wonder, "when did they put that in there?" In Colossians 1:16, Paul says this about Christ being the creator of this world: "For by him were all things created... all things were created by him, and for him." That little world 'for' just jumped out at me, and the note I wrote in my scriptures, was... "even me." Sisters, all things are created for a reason. There is purpose in all of it. God needed light for our home; He made a sun. He needed something to cool the newly-fashioned earth; He created water. We need to eat; we create a meal. We want to express our feelings; we create a journal, or blog, or write a song, or paint a painting. Sadly, since we're flawed creatures living in a fallen world, sometimes we need attention, and we create chaos, or a crisis. All things that are created - are created for a reason. And that includes us. We started out as little intelligences in the vast expanses of the universe, and something about the way we responded to God's perfect light and love, even back then, caused Him to beget us and make us His children. He chose us, from the beginning, for a reason! And it was to become like Him. You have entered into the ultimate self-improvement program of the universe - God's plan of salvation! You have entered a covenant relationship with an exalted Being who is the ultimate life coach and mentor. He has the power to cleanse you, heal you, and transform you. HE. CAN. CHANGE. YOU. That is the good news of the gospel - you can change! You don't have to stay this way! You were made to become like your Maker! As Ezra Taft Benson taught, you can do more with your life - with Jesus Christ - than you will ever be able to do on your own, without Him. You can have confidence before God as you take seriously your assignment to master yourself, and to provide your brothers and sisters with charity - the optimum environment they need to learn to master themselves. Love is the condition that makes a person feel safe, and you need to feel safe to do the scary work of killing the natural man, or as C.S. Lewis called it, allowing the great Physician to perform the surgery on our hearts that will cut out all that is impure and unholy in us. This is serious business, to sign on for Father's plan - and I repeat: we have a life coach and mentor that we can trust completely, because He has never done anything but the Father's will from the beginning. Ever. I can scarcely take that in. Jesus Christ was truly the needed sacrificial Lamb without blemish. Before blood ever flowed in His veins, we bore testimony to our doubting brothers and sisters who were listening to Lucifer - John says in Revelation: "[we] overcame [Lucifer] by the blood of the Lamb, and the word of [our] testimony." (Revelation 12:11) Sisters - we knew we could trust Jesus Christ to do what He said He would do because He always had. To tie up this idea of governing only yourself, and leaving the work of governing someone else to himself, I want to leave you with the beautiful words of the Prophet Joseph Smith, ironically, when he was being held unjustly in Liberty Jail. These scriptures speak of why we can as Paul said in Hebrews, "come boldly unto the throne of grace". (Hebrews 4:16) From D&C 121:34-46: "34. Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen? "35. Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men, that they do not learn this one lesson - "36. That the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only upon the principles of righteousness. "37. That they may be conferred upon us, it is true; but when we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved [because he never does it that way]; and when it is withdrawn, Amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man [or woman]. [And sisters, manipulation and passive aggression is also unrighteous dominion.] "38. Behold, ere he is aware, he is left unto himself, to kick against the pricks, to persecute the saints, and to fight against God. "39. We have learned by sad experience that it is the nature and disposition of almost all men [and women], as soon as they get a little authority, as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion. "40. Hence many are called, but few are chosen. "41. No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood [or in your home or apartment with roommates, family members, or with a spouse, or with children, or in your church callings], only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned. "42. By kindness, and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy, and without guile - "43. Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost [this isn't chewing someone out - it's speaking up to correct when something is wrong, but only when prompted by the Holy Ghost!]; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; "44. That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death. "45. Let thy bowels also be full of charity towards all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly [and virtue is the ultimate mastery of self, and chastity is only one component of virtue. The opposite of virtue is vice - and if you have a vice you aren't in charge of yourself! Virtue is to master yourself.]; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and the doctrine of the priesthood shall distill upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. "46. The Holy Ghost shall be thy constant companion [and sisters, we will need the constant companionship of the Holy Ghost in the days ahead], and thy scepter an unchanging scepter of righteousness and truth [and who carries a scepter? A ruler. You will rule in your tiny little kingdom because you rule over yourself.]; and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever." (D&C 121:34-46) Sisters, the reason I can testify to you of these things is because I have been taught them by the Holy Ghost. I have been taught by a member of the Godhead as a result of prayer, fasting, scripture study, and temple attendance. There is a price to be paid to know these things, but I can tell you that it is a privilege to pay it, and you will never regret that you did. I pray that you have heard something today, through the influence of the Spirit, that you can take to your next coaching session with the Savior. Heavenly Father and the Savior are your best friends; they will help you! I testify that doing this work will make your life an adventure. Get after it; we're running out of time.

I’ve loved this phrase for many years. Before I painted my family room ten years ago, I had it in vinyl lettering on the wall with family and wedding pictures. Humans are so funny, don’t you think? Perhaps I project when I say that, but it seems we generally struggle with the whole concept of cause and effect - making the concept of loving a choice one made trickier than it might appear on the surface. Put another way, when most humans pick up a stick, we too often fail to consider the other end of that stick with much forethought. Which makes this statement quite profound, and put in simpler terms - NOT Simper terms - “Love what you have chosen.” This post will possibly not appeal to two groups of individuals: those who married perfectly, never argue or resent one another, or have never spent a day disenchanted with their choice. To those of you who may have achieved Eden: I salute you. This post will also most likely vex individuals who are on Attempt Number Two. Or Three. Or… Please know: I’m not poking at anyone who has made another choice because the first became untenable. Sometimes, dissolving a marriage is truly the only way forward. I do NOT speak to that when I press this issue of loving your choice - no need to feel triggered or targeted. I write this by way of finishing my review of Middlemarch , and to make the case for caution in the casualness in marriage in the current culture. It’s worth consideration to persevere with choices once both ends of the stick picked up are fully known. I write to those for whom the marriage pendulum swings pretty normally: with days of being certain Saturday’s Warrior could have been written about you and your spouse; and other days of suspecting you were possessed the day you decided to marry this… Other Person. In an 800+ page book where not much happens, three marriages are highlighted in Middlemarch - all of which underscore this statement: “Choose thy love, love thy choice.” The first marriage is a couple who marry quickly and fairly impetuously, knowing next to nothing about each other first. Dr. Lydgate, a newcomer to Middlemarch, is completely infatuated with a town beauty, Rosamund Vincy, the mayor’s daughter. Rosamund naively and somewhat selfishly marries Dr. Lydgate, imagining she will become a grand dame of social standing in the community by marrying a doctor. Coming from a financially fickle family herself, she quickly runs the couple into near-ruinous debt. Every attempt to treat her as a true emotional partner in the ensuing problems blows up in Lydgate’s face - leaving him confused as to why Rosamund would marry him if she didn’t want to be married to him. Rosamund is equally confused as to why her every desire is not indulged and accommodated, and responds to Lydgate's attempts at economizing with passive aggressive manipulation. Upon discovering the other end of the stick, both Lydgate and Rosamund continue in their marriage disillusioned, love lost, with nothing but disappointment ahead of them. The second marriage are young people who grew up in Middlemarch and have loved each other since childhood. Mary Garth’s family aren’t wealthy or socially prominent, but her father is a well-respected, hard-working land agent and farming manager. Fred Vincy is Rosamund’s brother, and at first he has selfish and short-sighted proclivities to rival his sister’s. In spite of Fred’s repeated attempts to convince Mary to marry him, Mary worries they will not be happy because of his impulsive decisions that land him seriously in debt - a debt which ends up costing her family a great financial loss. But Mary’s love proves a powerful motivation for Fred, who authentically grows up in the novel and humbly offers himself as an apprentice, willing to learn, to Mary’s father. Though the reader never sees the fruit of this marriage until the epilogue, Fred lives to make himself worthy of Mary. Her wisdom in considering both ends of the stick before the marriage gave the marriage a better than fighting chance afterward. The third marriage includes the novel’s central character - Dorothea Brooke - whose fervent and genuinely sincere ideas of a life of service make her easy prey to a pompous, ineffectual scholar more than double her age, Edward Casaubon. Guard your gag reflex as you read one of the most narcissistic proposals EVER WRITTEN. To sum up in modern vernacular: “Honey, won’t it be great for ME, if you marry me?” And bless Dorothea’s idealistic heart, she falls for it. Not long into the marriage, she realizes Edward really wanted nothing more than a secretary to catalog his massive collection of notes for a book he most likely will never get around to finishing. The thing that made Middlemarch unique for me is that two of these three marriages were constructed in such a way as to give the parties of those marriages ample modern justification for abandoning them in one way or another - if not technically, in affairs, then certainly emotionally. A much younger cousin of Edward’s - Will Ladislaw - is quite taken with Dorothea as early as Dorothea’s and Edward’s honeymoon. And dig this for a romantic honeymoon - Dorothea spends every day - IN ROME - visiting museums alone, as Edward cloisters himself in libraries, poring over documents in preparation for his book. In spite of this, Dorothea is faithful in every way to her husband, and innocently enjoys Will’s company over the course of her marriage. It isn’t until Edward Casaubon dies of a heart condition that she even begins to entertain the idea that she cares for Will beyond that of a friend. Her purity in this is somewhat unmatched in literature. Her extraordinary strength of character allows her to do more than grit her teeth through living with the untouched end of the stick she picked up in Edward Casaubon; it enables her to actually embrace it, as she comes to recognize him as almost disabled in his inability to love her in return. It’s fascinating to watch these couples go through the process of learning to live with the other end of the sticks they picked up in their marriage choices. Two had a limited view of that other, untouched end - as do all of us who choose a marriage. It’s a marvel that even in 19th-century literature, a writer would portray these marriages - each with differing degrees of happiness and satisfaction - as being faithful - peopled with individuals who dealt with both ends of their sticks with fidelity. Each, in spite of everything, in one way or another, ‘loved’ their choices by not choosing someone else in its place. The portraits of these very different marriages serve as cautionary tales in a modern world that too often views marriage as disposable. Loving our choice - learning to love both ends of the stick we pick up when we marry - is at the core of keeping the covenant of marriage - be it an earthly or an eternal one. It speaks to love as the verb that it is - as opposed to the emotional feeling it very often is not. It deepens the responsibility of the marriage as a covenant, recognizing that the feeling of love that ignites the creation of the marriage organism as simply that - an impetus, insufficient to sustain the marriage on its own. C.S. Lewis writes of this covenant - the formalizing of choosing our love and loving our choice: “The promise, made when I am in love and because I am in love, to be true to the beloved as long as I live, commits me to being true even if I cease to be in love. A promise must be about things that I can do , about actions: no one can promise to go on feeling a certain way. He might as well promise to never have a headache or always to feel hungry.” (C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity, emphasis added) Surrounding these three "love" stories, Middlemarch is also filled with a wide-ranging look at mid-19th-century rural living in England with the social attitudes and issues of its day. Plus, there’s a juicy scandal which has much to say of hypocrisy, hidden guilty consciences, and the lengths humans will go to in order to maintain their public image. But at the risk of my review being 800+ pages, I’ll tell you that simply as a teaser to further entice you to try this lengthy novel. I recommend watching the movie first to keep the characters straight before wading into the depths of this insightful human nature study. What I DON’T recommend is that you read it my way. My world record in taking nearly a half-century to read a novel isn’t worth attempting to beat. ( https://www.laureensimper.com/post/my-47-year-overdue-book-report-a-prelude )

It's taken three and a half years. Three and a half years ago, today, I fell and broke my shoulder on my morning walk. A misstep on a rock in the road led to contracting covid in the hospital, intubation, septic shock from a failed surgery, renal failure, and weeks of rehabilitation to learn how to do everything over again. I do not hyperbolize when I say everything. It's taken three and a half years to be able to do the same walk - the same distance, at the same pace, with the same energy - as I did three and a half years ago. I did it yesterday, and as I sat in my favorite spot on my front porch to cool down and bask in my yard, my eyes fell on my favorite tree in the yard. I've dubbed these seven days the Week of Glory because of this little tree - the crabapple tree that struts her splendid stuff for only these seven days, before she looks like nearly any other tree in any other yard. Isn't she glorious? As I contemplated the fulness of my heart over my sweet little tree yesterday, my ever-free-associating brain drifted to the most tender moments of the new season of The Chosen - season 5. While I divulge nothing in the plot, I am going to write about the two scenes that pretty much undid me this past month in the theatrical release of season 5 - the 'dayenyu' scenes. The tradition of 'dayenyu' - Hebrew for "it would have been enough" - didn't start till the 9th century Passover traditions, but to make an artistic and spiritual point, Dallas Jenkins made an inspired directorial decision and included a dayenyu in scenes of two meals with two groups of disciples - the apostles in the Last Supper, and the women disciples. The scene with the disciples was a macro dayenu - traditional in its poetic retelling of the miracles of Jehovah in freeing Israel from Egypt, providing for them in the desert, and leading them into the promised land. The scene with the women disciples was a micro dayenyu - an intimate retelling of the personal and private miracles each of the women around the table had experienced since their first encounters with Jesus. If you didn't care about the spoiler alert and just finished reading that, I'm just saying: bring tissues. In the dayenyu, each person at the table takes a turn in retelling a great thing God has done - starting with, "If the only thing You had done for Israel [for me ] was _______..." Then everyone at the table says in unison, "It would have been enough." These are the thoughts I had yesterday morning, three and a half years after a life-threatening journey, breathless from a walk well taken, grateful for the spring sunshine, basking on my porch as I gazed at my happy little tree: If the only thing You had done for me was to spare my life to give me more time to practice with Dale... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was send angel nurses in the middle of the night, when I awoke with PTSD, unable to move to get comfortable - who moved and massaged my legs, or stroked my hair and talked me back to calmness, and peace, and sleep... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was stay with me every minute of every day, so palpable the nurses could feel it - comment on it - take their breaks with me in my room as respite in their days... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was heal my kidneys, allowing me to go home finished with dialysis... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was make it possible to reverse the ileostomy that saved my life... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was spare my life to spend more time with my parents and have the strength to help them in their last days... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was spare my life to see my son marry happily and well... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was restore my strength to walk outside in the morning sunlight... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was to help eight of our fish survive the winter so they could happily greet me when I come outside... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was create this little tree that gives me such great joy every year... it would have been enough. If the only thing You had done was create me with a capacity to feel such joy - with a capacity to feel praise and gratitude so great my body can barely contain them - with a capacity to even remotely comprehend what it means to be bound to You because I'm created by You and - thanks to covenants, begotten by You... If the only thing You had done was give me a life full of joy and sorrow - the sorrow sweetening the joy... A life that's messy and unpredictable - giving me something to work on ordering and ruling over, and something to learn to ultimately allow You to order and rule over... A life where the sweetness of work is hidden, making it more precious when it's chosen over convenience or ease... A life where thanks to You, I can learn from all these experiences to choose You - want You in my life - want to be in Your life above all else... If the only thing You had done was create me for such a life as this... It would have been enough.

I find myself awaking on Easter morning with the image of this painting in my mind. It was painted by a man who has become a dear friend, as I have so much of his art in my home. It hangs in my living room, between his paintings of the nativity - set in the springtime, with grass! - and the Sacred Grove. I love what he does with light in his art, and this painting highlights his understanding of the Source of Light. The way he has painted this has given me new insight about the Savior of the world: I love that the greater light in this painting comes from inside the tomb. This subtly testifies of everything that is magnificent about Jesus Christ.   Jesus Christ surprised the anticipating Jewish nation, waiting for their conquering Messiah 2000 years ago. Scripture prophesying his glorious second return caused them to anticipate a conqueror like their occupying captors had conquered them. Son of David, they expected another David, who would restore Israel to a nation of glory in the world - subject to no one. But His quiet birth and obscure life had already disguised Him. Jesus Christ wouldn't come to conquer the nations until He had first reclaimed them from mortality. He came quietly and obscurely to show what a perfect life looked like, to continually give the atypical response, to love first - and always - and to show the first thing that needed conquering was ourselves. Jesus came like an undercover agent to conquer not a nation - but death and sin - the enemies every mortal fights in a fallen world. He submitted Himself to death by going willingly into death - like any other mortal. He submitted to sin by going willingly into hell - like any other captive mortal. He went into death - and hell - like any other mortal man who has had the mortal experience because of the Fall, who must pay the debt for his fallenness to the eternal, unchangeable, demanding court of justice.   But He wasn’t any other mortal.   Because of His perfect obedience, Jesus Christ had no debt to pay to justice. Because of His divine parentage, once inside the prisons of death and hell, He had the power to break out - from the inside. I heard a lecturer explain it this way, and my perception of what the Savior has done for me has been forever changed.   Jesus Christ went willingly into the darkness of death and hell - and because of His glorious, divine power, He opened the door for all the captives - for every single one of God’s captive children. He conquered, not by storming the gates from the outside with an unstoppable force, but by disguising that unstoppable force as an ordinary man, submitting to the same captivity as the rest of us, and going inside - of His own free will. Jesus Christ liberated the captives by becoming a captive Himself, and breaking out from the inside .   That means every single thing that holds us captive in this broken, fallen, mortal world is temporary. The prison doors were burst by the only One powerful enough to do it. He came inside the prisons of death and hell to get you . The door is open - and He has the power to pull you through it. If you were the only one who needed the rescue, He still would have come. Our generous Father sent His perfect Son and fathered Him in the flesh - He sent Him to be a Man on the inside - experience everything we would experience - and with the power to break us out from the inside.   The door is open for all who are still inside, in the darkness. The Light followed us inside - into the darkness - and broke out, from the inside. The conquering Savior is now outside the prison He broke out of with His Divine power. He is free! He beckons us to choose freedom and follow Him out. Having stepped outside the limits of mortality which He willingly came into, He invites from outside the open door - “Come.”   Come out of your addiction. Come out of your anger. Come out of your loneliness. Come out of your pain. Come out of your sorrow. Come out of your despair. Come out of your bad habits. Come out of your pettiness. Come out of all the things that bind you, and keep you in darkness. Come. “ I am with you alway, even unto the end of the world.” (Matthew 28:20). The door is open. Come out. The invitation hasn't been rescinded: Come out. Come up. Come home. Come.   Jesus Christ is free, and He came to free us. The door is open! Light beckons from outside the prison - but there is light inside the prison. Jesus Christ brought His perfect light into the prison of death and hell to show us the way up, the way out - the way home. Jesus said, “I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12)   The door is open. The captives have been set free. He is risen!   “Thanks be unto God for his unspeakable gift. (2 Corinthians 9:15) (art by Kirt Harmon: https://harmonart54.blogspot.com/ )

Six weeks ago, my friend who is also my stake president asked Dale and me if we could stay after church for a few minutes. He told us the stake wanted to take seriously the counsel we had received from the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve to make a bigger deal about Easter. Amen. When I was a bumbling ward choir director 15 years ago, I'd had to make the case for that very thing - successfully begging another stake president to move Fast Sunday - the last weekend in March - from Easter so we could have a proper choral Easter program. I loved the idea, but the timing instantly filled me with dread. When this stake president suggested a lovely choral devotional of Easter music, I'm afraid I took my eyes off the mission for just a second, and like Peter, saw only the waves of very little time to prepare such an event swirling all around me. Six weeks??? "Do you mean for next year?" I asked semi-optimistically. "No, this year," he said, smiling. And forgive me, friend and President, for my only seeing the waves when I replied, "You're not a musician, are you?" I wouldn't tell you this, except bless his heart, he told the whole stake at the event which was held Sunday night - Palm Sunday - in preparation for Holy Week - which, to my way of thinking, turned out in such a way as to suggest the Savior reached out His hand and pulled me up out of the waves, like Peter. A full choral program was out of the question at this point. We have two functioning choirs in our entire stake; and thank heavens one of them was ours, directed by Dale. I knew we could have at least one full choral number, as our ward was preparing an Easter program for next week. The rest would have to be soloists. The evening began with a gorgeous soprano who currently serves in the Tabernacle Choir, singing the tender Primary song, "He Sent His Son." A fifteen-year-old played a piano solo of "Be Still My Soul" - I could feel and hear this sweet boy's testimony in his masterful performance. A flute solo of "Beautiful Savior" - simple, pure, reverent - from another dear sister in the stake. A brief talk about the last week of the Savior's life. We were asked to imagine what we might be doing on Monday, when Jesus had cleansed the temple for the last time... or Thursday evening, when He had washed His apostles' feet or suffered in Gethsemane... or early Friday morning, as his rushed, illegal trial was concluding... The sweetest part of the evening for me was the surest inspiration of this whole event - an instant choir; all the Primary children and youth were invited to come fill in the choir seats and sing their favorite song which never needs rehearsal - "Gethsemane." The children and youth started coming to the front, and they just kept coming. And coming. Three-year-olds, eighteen-year-olds, and everyone in between - just kept. Coming. The organist told me afterwards: "I felt like the Army of Helaman was walking past me. So many strong, young people wanting to sing their testimony of the Savior and His atonement!" It took my breath away to hear all those young people singing with their full hearts besides their voices: The hardest thing that ever was done, The greatest pain that ever was known, The biggest battle that ever was won - This was done by Jesus! The fight was won by Jesus! Gethsemane! Jesus loves me, So He gave this gift to me in Gethsemane... So He gives this gift to me from Gethsemane. Then, a tenor solo with cello - another of my favorite songs - the words are the most sublime prayer - "Savior, Redeemer of My Soul." I can never make it through this one without tears. And finally, our ward choir sang of the Crucifixion and its eternal effect on every human - "Behold the Wounds in Jesus' Hands." I felt the Spirit instruct me again - as I've been instructed so many times in this calling to organize music as praise for our stake: Music is more than praise. Music is more than a vehicle to bring the Spirit to a meeting. Music is a haven and refuge for heavy hearts who leave the meeting with challenges and struggles - with battles to face. Music is spiritual protection for hearts who fight temptation every single day. The Spirit and testimony brought by music is important during the meeting... so God's children can go home with armor after  the meeting. My dear friend and stake president then testified to a congregation the size of stake conference the thing that Father has taught me over the last six weeks: We worship a God of miracles.

The first time I heard the term ‘intersectionality,’ I wondered where it had come from. I had a friend studying at a small university who told me one of her classes spent quite a bit of time talking about it.  I’m not sure, but I may have rolled my eyes.  Aha, I thought.  Another pseudo-intellectual exercise designed to condition impressionable students to ‘see’ the emperor’s new clothes. Then the George Floyd riots started, and I learned I was a racist because I was white. This surprised me. For much of my life growing up in the 1960’s and 70’s in Utah, I encountered very few people of any other race than mine, and had had exactly zero opportunities to form the opinion that I was superior - or inferior - to a person because of a difference in our skin colors. I grew up being taught that racism was that - the belief that people perceived superiority or inferiority because of skin color or race. Now, this intersectional idea of racism was new. Now, racism was simply acknowledging that there were differences in races. The simple fact that I grew up knowing nothing of what it was like to be a person of color was now being called ‘micro aggression.’  My very lack of experience or exposure to other races was a micro aggression. But I grew up being taught that all people are children of the same God. I was taught that the greatest sifter and separator before God was how we obeyed His commandments - particularly - our choices of how we treated each other. I heard continued and increased rhetoric of racism - which curiously ramped up at the time the United States elected its first black president. My university friend told me that in her course on intersectionality, race was only one of the circles that intersected in the beloved Venn diagram: race, gender, sexual orientation, and eventually perceived gender became further ways to separate the human family from each other. Into tribes. This is how humans turn each other into ‘Other.’ ‘Other’ becomes a verb - and we turn a brother or sister into Someone Who Isn’t Me - someone to be feared, mistrusted, and someone who is probably hostile to me. This is higher education and enlightenment? To me, that kind of approach to learning about others seems primitive. What on earth can be accomplished if, when you first meet another human being, you lead with, “Let me tell you all the ways you don’t understand my life by putting a label on myself - or you.”  ? It also seems that these labels which siphon you off in the delightful Venn diagram have only one purpose - to eventually create a Venn diagram with only two circles. One circle is marked ‘oppressed’ and the other is marked ‘oppressor.’ And they don’t intersect. The more I go into my world as a disciple of Jesus Christ - a circle on the diagram marked ‘oppressor’ by many of the diagram makers, by the way - the less I have experiences which separate me from others. The less other humans become Other. There's one practice that's more simple than you might imagine, becomes more simple the more you do it, and has made life more full and rich and fun than I can begin to describe. The practice? Look in their eyes. When I meet someone new - anywhere - it makes my day better to look in their eyes, because I can nearly always instantly see the biggest and most important commonality in the ultimate Venn diagram with 8 billion circles intersecting in only one place: child of the same Father . Brother. Sister. Fellow traveler on this planet. Look in someone’s eyes and you can see worry, fear, exhaustion, delight, humor, purpose, desire, ambition, hope or hopelessness - depending on when you’re looking. Just like you. If you look , you will see another soul - an immortal soul with hopes and dreams and goals.  Some will be fully intentional in the moment you look, purposeful and deliberate. Some will be less so - distracted and a bit on auto-pilot, possibly consumed with other worries you know nothing about. The fact isn’t that their worries place them in a different circle from you. It's the fact they have worries which places you both in the same circle. The fact isn’t that their goals place them in a different circle from you. It's the fact they have goals that places you both in the same circle. Discovering this is what elevates humanity above tribalism. How can humanity ever keep the First and Second Great Commandments - loving their common Creator first , and loving their common brothers and sisters second   - until they learn this? Start with looking not at anything which would separate you into different circles. Start with looking and finding all the ways you’re alike. Start with their eyes.

I saw Little Women at the Hale Center Theater this weekend. It was a wonderful musical production of one of my all-time favorite novels, and unbidden, it unlocked a wistful, aching weeping through much of the production. Somehow, immersing myself in the world of the March sisters transported me back to the autumn of 1995, to one of the most important private lessons of my life. I was a mostly overwhelmed mother with a busy 5-yr-old boy and a differently busy 5th grade girl. My daughter was coming home from school nearly every day with a different book from the Goosebumps series - a series of “horror” novels for teens and pre-teens by R.L. Stine. Writing that in retrospect I can hear my brain saying, “Excuse me???” At the time, they seemed fairly harmless. Megan was borrowing a new novel from a classmate as quickly as she could read the last one. This lasted for a couple of weeks and about a half-dozen novels, and the first inkling of real concern about this new reading penchant came as a quick, specific thought, clearly formed in my head, in this sentence: “If you don’t intervene, she will never love Jane Eyre.” Specific much? And don’t you love that the Spirit chose maybe my favorite novel of all time to make the point? I’ve learned to recognize the Source of specific thoughts like this; I knew it was a loving nudge from a loving Father in Heaven, and I spent a couple days pondering it. My daughter’s voracious reading habits mirrored mine as a child; she was in the 2nd grade when she would sheepishly admit she’d finished a book we’d started together on her own. I assumed she had outgrown being read to aloud, and continued to read aloud to her younger brother. But then this strong impression - almost an assignment - to intervene - to make a renewed effort to influence and educate her tastes and desires. I recalled my 8th and 9th grade students fifteen years earlier, thrilled when we got enough work done for me to read a novel to them on Fridays. Perhaps you didn’t outgrow the love of being read aloud to - and Audible has certainly proved that to be true, eh? After sitting with this prompting and praying about it for a few days, I randomly - or so I thought - chose Little Women as my intervention project. I simply announced to Megan that we were going to read this book together. It was long enough where her 10-yr-old reading abilities, advanced as they were, needed a docent into such a book. I knew Father wanted me to gently teach this important lesson to the daughter of my heart: “You’re higher than this.” Then began one of the most sacred experiences I shared with her, as God revealed some of my biggest weaknesses to start to work on. We read about Jo - and the impetuous decisions she nearly instantly regretted, and I would find myself praying more intentionally about my own impetuous decisions, nearly instantly regretted. We read about Marmee mastering a terrible temper - WHAT??? We were as surprised as Jo to learn this, and as filled with wonder as Jo to watch her mother after years of practice at it. I found myself praying more earnestly to master my own temper, and needing to practice the same thing over and over again. Watching the March family with their struggles often mirrored our own, and in the arena of our struggling, often broken little covenant family, I was grateful for the call of my own to stretch past my weaknesses and practice mastering them: “You’re higher than this.” Reading Little Women together was a seminal event in my children’s childhood. Megan and I went on to read Little Men, Treasure Island, and The Hobbit - eventually joined by Grant. Somewhere in either Narnia or Watership Down, Megan peeled off again. Having experienced an important course correction, she was a different reader as she forged on ahead without us, leaving Grant and me to forge the same kind of connection with reading higher books together. Friday afternoon, the weeping started as I watched the story of a young girl, desperate to tell a story of her own, be gently prodded on in her own journey. While the play missed the finer point of the novel, my own experience with the novel rushed in to fill in the blank. Jo’s character was forged and refined in large part by the good friend who would become her husband - who had the courage to be frank with her about her sensational, Goosebumps-of-the-day writing - telling her, “You’re higher than this.” Reading to my children is one of my sweetest memories of their childhood. Thanks to a heavenly intervention of my own, I was able to intervene in forming the tastes of my children, and I’m equally convinced that doing so helped in forging their character as well. All this flooded back to me Friday afternoon as I watched the story that was key to the process. It was a poignant reminder of how important it is to climb - out of bad habits as well as bad books. Daunting as it often is, great literature beckons us on climbs worth taking, and develops more than our character; it develops climbing muscles for the next mountains. Great literature is always whispering to us: “You’re higher than this.” “There’s something higher… than this.”

When I was in college, I would come home from my last final of fall term to find a gift waiting for me from my mother. This was usually a couple weeks before Christmas, but this gift was never wrapped in Christmas paper - no, no. Just ordinary wrapping, a mysterious, book-shaped package, whatever could it be? My darling mama, having hooked me on the magic of books at age 2, always had a book gift waiting for my first day without homework reading. Christmas break meant diving into a book I CHOSE - huzzah! If you're watching/listening from heaven: thanks, Mama. <3 It's hard to remember if I got George Eliot's novel, Middlemarch, as one of those Happy End-of-Term gifts, or if it was an actual Christmas gift that year. But Middlemarch, behemoth that it is at 800+ pages, found its way into my library. In spite of the book cover touting it as one of the greatest novels ever written, I undoubtedly felt daunted by it because: A. It was 800+ pages B. As an English major, I had been drowning in classic literature for weeks C. It was 800+ pages Middlemarch never got read. It moved from house to house with me after I married. I attempted it more than once, but never got past the first 50 or so pages. Did I mention it was 800+ pages? At some point, I watched BBC production from a DVD box set of George Eliot novels. Our book group had read another Eliot novel by then, Silas Marner (5 stars, by the way, highly recommend), and my mother lent me the whole set of DVD's for that. I quite liked the movie, attempted the novel again, and made a little progress in getting past page 100. If you think I sound 4, you would be right. However, by this time, I really was intrigued with the main character, Dorothea Brooke, and her high integrity and character, particularly in contrast to her choice of a husband. For the record and in my defense: I have read big books before: Jane Eyre and the original Les Miserables, Count of Monte Cristo and Atlas Shrugged, Witness... It's not like I'm afraid of big books, except for the part where I kind of am. And it's very often not the size, but the age of the thing; ardent readers, please be so kind as to back me up on this. Older novels take their sweet time telling a story and sometimes, modern-day or ADD brains can grow weary of the set-up before they're properly hooked. Time passed, I read the book in 2-5 page installments, half of which was part of the previous read in an attempt to remember what was going on. At some point, Audible got involved, and I started listening while I sewed. I made some serious headway while listening and put the physical novel away altogether. On a side note: British actress Juliet Stevenson is a top-drawer narrator; I’ve listened to novel by her more than once. That thing that happens with complex, classic novels - finally happened. Almost imperceptibly, the multiple plots had started to intertwine sufficiently where I was finally interested in all of them, and it wasn't odious to jump from one to the other. Does this happen to any of you, or is it just me? Another huge hiatus with less time to sew, and I swear, at this point, I wasn't even sure if I wanted to pick this dang book up ever again. I decided I'd watch the movie again for a sense of closure already and be done with it. But the movie changed my mind. I was actually interested in these people - particularly the 6 people who comprised the 3 love stories of the novel. I decided to get serious about listening ONE. MORE. TIME. If you're still reading this, I have to say - is it only me who is wondering at this point: what is wrong with this book? Or: what is wrong with this woman? As I embarked on listening - AGAIN - something struck me about why this book was such an ambitious climb. Virginia Wolf once referred to Middlemarch as "one of the few English novels written for grown-up people" - and I. AGREE. It has one of the most complex characterizations - of everyone - of any novel I've ever read. It's a massively in-depth commentary on human nature - no stone of any internal motivation is left unturned. As I jumped in this last time, it surprised me to discover I was genuinely interested to learn what Ms. Eliot had to say about this person... or that. I realized an impediment from earlier attempts was this very depth of delving into the motives of human nature. There's not much of a plot, so in a way, you could say Middlemarch is a 19th-century Seinfeld - very nearly a book about nothing. If you're not interested in what makes characters tick, I should warn you: you should probably just re-read Hunger Games. The final joke on me over this 47-year project: I was busy during the holidays a few months ago and wasn't in my sewing room much. By now, I was completely into the story, and decided to dig out the physical novel again so I could read it nightly before bed. I couldn't find it. After FORTY-SEVEN YEARS of the biggest schizophrenic, hot-and-cold, on again-off again literary project of my lifetime, I could not find that stupid book, and ruefully realized I had no doubt gotten rid of it in a recent literary purge. Two days before Christmas, I scooted over to Barnes and Noble to purchase another copy of the book that had almost literally become my literary albatross. I'm sorry, Mama. I finished it last week. I loved it. In spite of the most scattered approach EVER - to a project that deserved better - it was worth it. I'll have to tell you why later, as this prelude is a tale all its own. It's my homage to lengthy 19th-century set-ups. Those of you who haven't been scared off by this harrowing tale - stay tuned. https://www.laureensimper.com/post/choose-thy-love-love-thy-choice

Come Follow Me - 1 Nephi 7-10 It seems hard to imagine that a few days could go by, and you could forget you’d seen an angel who kind of chewed you out. Or that you could forget a miraculous intervention in protecting you against a Gadianton-type big wig. Maybe, after days of heading out of town, only to head back into town and have such an adventure - only to head back out of town, and being told to head back into town makes you cross. 1 Nephi chapter 7 is a fascinating display of human nature at its worst. It had to be stunning to Laman and Lemuel that Nephi was able to convince another good man to bring his entire family on the insane odyssey of their father. So off they go, back out of town for the third time, and I guess something just snapped. In verses 9-12, Nephi lays out some important things Laman and Lemuel seem to have forgotten - spiritual things they once knew: Verse 9 - they haven’t been obedient to the things they have already received from God through the Spirit. Verse 10 - because of disobedience, spiritual experiences they’ve had - in this case, seeing an angel! - are forgotten. Verse 11 - because of disobedience, blessings from the Lord are either discounted, dismissed, and eventually, completely forgotten. Verse 12 - because of disobedience, former knowledge and evidence of God’s power is also discounted, dismissed, and eventually, completely forgotten. So, basically disobedience is like a big ol’ obliviating spell. But not entirely. Henry B. Eyring taught: “There is another reason why it is not easy for the proud to build on a foundation of truth. It is because the enemy of righteousness also works in little steps - steps so small that they are hard to notice if you are thinking only about yourself and how great you are. Just as truth is given to us line upon line and the light brightens slowly as we obey, even so, as we disobey, our testimony of truth lessens almost imperceptibly, little by little, and darkness descends so slowly that the proud may easily deny that anything is changing. “I heard the boast of a man who walked away from the Church slowly. At first he just stopped teaching his Sunday School class, then he stayed away from Church, and then he forgot to pay tithing now and then. Along the way he would say to me: ‘I feel just as spiritual as I did before I stopped those things and just as much at peace. Besides, I enjoy Sundays more than I did. It’s more a day of rest.’ Or, ‘I think I’ve been blessed temporally as much or more as I was when I was paying tithing.’ He could not sense the difference, but I could. The light in his eyes and even the shine in his countenance was dimming. He could not tell, since one of the effects of disobeying God seems to be the creation of just enough spiritual anesthetic to block any sensation as the ties to God are being cut. Not only did the testimony of the truth slowly erode, but even the memories of what it was like to be in the light began to seem to him like a delusion.” (Henry B. Eyring - “A Light Founded in Light and Truth,” BYU Devotional, August 15, 2000) https://speeches.byu.edu/talks/henry-b-eyring/life-founded-light-truth/ But I have a theory. Maybe - just maybe - there are remnants of memory associated with disobedience. To the extent that when confronted with the Hagrid notion - "I should not ha' done that" - we wince a little. Maybe squirm some. Feel. Uncomfortable. And rightly so. People too often forget that guilt is a feeling of discomfort to remind you to do it differently. Its purpose is solely to provide an impetus to repent. THAT'S. IT. When we have those feelings of discomfort, the solution isn't to remove them or any reminder of them. The solution is to pay attention. Exhibit A from chapter 7: In verse 15 Nephi basically tells Laman and Lemuel to go ahead and go back to Jerusalem, pretty much saying, no one is holding a gun to your head. "...if ye have choice, go up to the land, and remember the words which I speak unto you, that if ye go ye will also perish..." And that's when they really lose it. That uncomfortable feeling in their gut - what if Nephi is right? - was strong enough to just tick them off. It just seems like people who deep down...know. They just don't WANT to know. And there it is - the difference between a person who wishes they were obedient (see "What if Ya Just Don't Wanna?) - and a person who doesn't wish they were, but worries about the consequences anyway. Or worse, decides to have a temper tantrum and challenge reality and the inevitability of those consequences. The crucial difference between someone who says - "I don't want to, but I wish I wanted to" - and someone who says "I don't want to, I don't want to want to, and I'm ready to fight anyone who tells me why I should want to." This certainly explains the apoplectic conversations about good and evil these days, don't you think?

Dale is the rabid BYU fan in our house. I am the more cautious, mostly guilty-by-association BYU fan in this house. Yet I'm the one who predicted BYU would make it to the Sweet 16 this year, confident they could win at least two games in the playoffs before they characteristically dashed my heart out, which is why I have kept myself aloof from cheering for them wholeheartedly for lo, these many years. Dale predicted BYU would lose to Wisconsin, yet they beat them in an upset Saturday night 91-89 - number 6 seed took out number 3 seed. Ironic on two fronts: the rankings, and little Miss Sports Rookie - who still picks teams by completely irrelevant characteristics - pickin' 'em to win. So we're watching the game, and I'm stitching, and at some point in the first half, I notice this kid on BYU with a headband. He instantly arrested my attention. He had a big grin on his face; maybe that was it. But the grin looked like a full-body grin, if you know what I mean. This kid knows how to grin with all of him. "Who's that?" I wondered. As the game continued, I found myself watching Headband if he was playing. I couldn't tell you why he fascinated me, but fascinate me, he did. He played with what looked like an effortless, indefatigable energy, but that wasn't all. There was something about this kid... Headband is out for a while, but when he's back in, he's all in. Like... All. In. It's more than the boundless energy with a seemingly inexhaustible source - it's an intensity I can't quite put my finger on. He's a catalyst. He executes well; rarely makes mistakes; in fact, he often fixes mistakes. It's more than intensity - there's an intention to his playing as well. The thing I learned when I couldn't move at all - Be. Here. Now. - this kid has it - in spades. He is 100% in this game. And then the grin. In all this energy and intensity and intention and ignition - there's this... what am I seeing? Near the end of the game, when Headband is still making things happen, the sports commentators start talking about him: number 15 - Richie Saunders - grandfather is the inventor of tater tots. Hysterical detail much? They start talking about some of what I'm seeing - what a great athlete he is - what a great human he is. Then they talk about his dad taking him to the church at 5:00 every morning to shoot baskets, because as early as age 12, he knew he wanted to play basketball for BYU some day. And, dweeb that I am, it was at that point my eyes started to leak, just a bit. Because that's the other thing I see when I watch Richie Saunders play basketball that I couldn't quite put my finger on - joy. Richie Saunders plays basketball with unapologetic, full-throated joy. He is literally living his dream - and the way he's living it is different - because he knows it. I was overjoyed to see BYU win, which is uncharacteristic of me, the cautious girl being courted by the unreliable suitor that is BYU. Of course, I was delighted in part because I got points in my brackets for the win. But I'm mostly excited I get to watch Richie Saunders play some more. I'm glad I know who he is, and have seen what he brings to the table. Seeing someone do something they're good at - that they love - that they’ve earned with hard work - with that level of authenticity and commitment - is a beautiful thing. It's what passion looks like - and we need more of that in this world. Though I am torn. If BYU continues to win, I will lose points going forward.

I made this bread from a sourdough start given to me in September 2024. I have yet to learn the finer points of carving leaves or embellishments to beautify the top, as you can clearly see. Perhaps you've seen such loaves in your social media feeds; everyone and their Aunt Lillian seem to be making sourdough bread these days. You really can't swing a dead cat without finding another post on sourdough. I was astonished to even see posts on Marketplace - lotsa bread going around these days. And seriously - homemade bread? I GET IT. I'm generally not a huge fan of bandwagons of this sort. I wouldn't watch Dallas . I refused to read The Work and the Glory , though I'm rethinking that one. If everybody's doing it, I have this perverse need to... NOT. But bread... Also, there's the wheat I've stored for apocalyptic winter. If I can't turn it into bread, then what was the point? Also, my mother used to tell me about this book she'd read about two old women in an Eskimo tribe who were left behind because they could no longer contribute to the collective survival of the tribe. As they learned to keep themselves alive on their own, their paths eventually crossed with the tribe that had exiled them - and ended up saving the very community which had shunned them. I've thought about that story a lot - particularly as one of the least practical-skilled people I know. Do I bring anything to the table that would make it worth a community keeping me alive? I seriously doubted it. Learning to make bread had become about more than making use of all that wheat. It was about more than jumping on an abhorrent bandwagon. It was about beating the odds of my own impractical skill set. Learning to make bread had become about mastering something I didn't think I could do. It had become about having a skill of self reliance. Suddenly, I could tell why people jokingly said sourdough was the gateway drug to chickens and bees. It's about the question: am I capable of doing anything to keep myself alive? My first attempt at sourdough was many years ago. A dear friend, RaeLynne, gave me two starts: one made with white flour, and one made with wheat flour. That way I could make bread whether I had freshly milled wheat on hand or not. Because she knew my ADHD could seriously endanger the mission, we grimly named these two starts. The white start, being slightly more domesticated, we named Peta. The wheat start, slightly less tamed, we named Katniss. These seemed the perfect names, as we both recognized: the odds may not be in their favor. Having two starts was waaaaaaaay too much for my brain at that time. Peta didn't make it. I tried to tell myself Katniss was heartier, and would be fed almost exclusively by the wheat in my basement, so maybe it was just as well. I could not get a decent loaf out of Katniss to save. My. Life. It was tasty and flavorful, and this is how I know this, besides tasting it. When RaeLynne moved to Texas, another friend who is a sourdough guru - Rhonda - came to see whether Katniss was worth saving, and try to figure out what I was doing wrong. She carefully tasted the start itself and pronounced: "Oh, this start has personality." Though few think of Katniss as Miss Congeniality, in spite of her "personality," I could not get those loaves to raise. Could. Not. I finally settled for pulling Katniss out of the freezer periodically, and feeding her when I wanted to make waffles. Fast forward to last fall. Yet another stout-hearted friend, Kari, drew me into her beautiful kitchen and taught me - AGAIN - the finer points of sourdough. I'm not sure if it was the pretty kitchen, or the fact it was the magically correct number of multiple repetitions that did it, but I think even I saw the lightbulb over my head that day. I GOT IT. I finally understood when the start was happy enough to make a great loaf of bread. I took a new white flour start home that day with a lump of dough from my friend's start. I named this new start Peta in honor of the fallen tribute of yesteryear. I haven't bought bread since. I even got a little brazen and pulled Katniss from her happy, cryogenic state to attempt what I thought was the impossible. With a little coaching from Kari, Katniss has produced actual raised loaves made with freshly milled wheat from my basement. For the record, I concur with Rhonda; Katniss does have personality. She also makes a heck of a cracker (thank you, Courtney and Alisha). I have to wonder if my ability to juggle keeping two starts alive and productive has had anything to do with my keeping kefir grains alive for the last nearly two and a half years. And I don't just pull that one out periodically, no, no. I feed the kefir grains almost every single day. Oddly, I haven't felt the need to name this little gal. Guy? Oh, wait. Milk in French is 'le lait.' It's a guy. I'll get back to you. For those of you keeping score at home, this surprise addition to our story brings our total of Living Organisms Laureen is Keeping Alive in Her Home to three. Dale largely keeps himself alive and has for lo, these many years. Heck, he kept me alive when I couldn't move. But these three fermented entities depend solely upon me for their survival. And against all odds, all three are thriving. I think I might be ready for children.